9:30 am

getting ready for work. listening to rainbow kitten surprise. being here used to feel like only a dream- rainbow kitten surprise reminds me of when all i had was optimism. and now i'm here. i'm one of the few people that moved in with an internet friend and nothing went wrong. i'm just really grateful. i'm so grateful for the people who help me and the people who got me here. i live with my best friends of all time and even when everything else is shit i have to appreciate that. the first time i heard some of these songs, i was a sad teenager alone in the world. not allowed out of the house, no internet. i think even if i wrote letters my dad would have gone through them or something. it's crazy to think that what got me through, was this very laptop dragged along to libraries once a week or whenever i could convince him. remembering when i would sit next to my little sister and write emails to one of the most important people in my world. i am so so glad we're still here 5 years later.

March 17 2024

5 pm

crazy world full of crazy people. i'm stuck between feeling like i should fix my asocial behavior, and feeling like it is so not worth it when i have the people who matter and everyone else is terrible and insane. not everyone, but enough people around me to feel like everyone. me and my roommates are the only people who pick up after our dogs in this neighborhood. and someone has been burning clothes throughout this week. my next door neighbor is violent and broke in our door a few months before his wife left him (lol) and a different neighbor is terrible to his dogs. our endless attempts to have something done about them, have gone nowhere. the environment is one big issue. but also, coming to the realization that i actually am hard for a lot of people to get along with, also contributes to just wanting to keep the people i have. i haven't left my house to hang out with someone i don't live with in like 8 months? if i wanted to strongly enough i would. but i have so much fear about hanging out with new people for the first time. it was really hard to get out enough to have a relationship here, and i haven't done it since. i say i'm a homebody and i mean it. but i hope i can change that a little bit, eventually.